Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
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How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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