if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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