so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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