You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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