Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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