I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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