They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize