oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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