i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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