did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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