my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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