my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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