I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm really busy with my period
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