believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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