I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
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wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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