I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
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but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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