I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if i died would you start the facebook group?
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i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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