Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
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We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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