Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
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Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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