Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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