I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
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Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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