You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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