i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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