I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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