just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you win again, gameday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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