i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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