I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
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Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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