my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
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If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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