You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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