sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
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A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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