so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
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i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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