I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize