There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
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The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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