Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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