i think my mom watched the whole time
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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