Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
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Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
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I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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