did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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