It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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