John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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