You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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