There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
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Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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