she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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