Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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