if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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