I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
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Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize