So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
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What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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