Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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