Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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