Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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