im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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